I have had some really challenging days in the past few weeks. I will have a fabulous day at work, and study-wise, but then suddenly I will be overwhelmed by emotion and find myself questioning everything – Why haven’t I got my period back yet? What if it never happens? What if I’ve gained weight? What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t my nutritional therapist respond? Why doesn’t my doctor seem to care? Why me?
As you can see, I spiral myself down in to a hole of frustration, guilt, fear, loneliness, and ultimately self-pity. Self-pity is probably the worst thing I can feel, because that sets up another downward spiral – Why am I pitying myself? There are far worse things in life; why am I overreacting? Overreacting is stressing me out; is this stress going to pause my journey to recovery?
Then I start questioning whether I should share these thoughts with friends, family, or my doctors. I don’t, for 2 reasons.
1. I often feel like no one really cares (my nutritional therapist won’t respond unless I pay her the $130 / 45-min, in-person session – sweet, I know), and my close friends and family are often unavailable.
2. I worry that people may be quick to diagnose me with depression. Now don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong, shameful, or casual about depression. It is a serious condition that so many people struggle with. However, I think that sometimes people are too quick to associate emotional fluctuations with depression.
So, there are 3 points to this post:
1. I find sharing my feelings to be therapeutic; typing alone is already making me more calm.
2. I can’t possibly be the only woman feeling this way on her journey to recovery from HA. So, please, if you need to vent or just want advice, I am here for you. Support is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves and to others.
3. This may all be a great sign! Given that HA has caused my period to be MIA for over a year now, I suppose that I have forgotten what PMS symptoms can be – mood swings are a huge one. So for now, I am trying my best to be optimistic and trying to give my hormones the benefit of the doubt – maybe the girls are finally kicking in. In that case, you may continue driving me along this emotional roller-coaster.
What I have realized is that I can hate my doctors all I want, I can worry about weight-gain all I want, and I can drive myself crazy by wallowing in self-pity. Or, I can just continue to remind myself that “everything is going to be okay.” All of this may be exactly what I want – my hormones may be kicking in again.
Recovering from HA is a marathon, not a sprint. It took so long to shock my body in to getting here, that it will take a long time for my brain to calm down and trust me again. So here’s to just taking it one day at a time, and to letting your emotions out. Crying is good for the soul, once in a while. 🙂
Lots of Love,